And ALLAH is Sufficient as a Guardian
And ALLAH is Sufficient as a Helper
~ Quran 4:45

Monday, 8 January 2018

The Breaking Point


Happy 2018! Another year went by. Lots must have happened in our lives. I hope that this year would be better than the last for all of us.

Again I went MIA like I did previously. Remember how I was expressing my thoughts on my job and everything and how crappy I felt about it? How I felt that it was my breaking point. But little did I know that Allah swt indeed has HIS plans sorted. When I thought that those things are the major challenges I had to face throughout this job. Boy, was I so wrong!

24/11/17, 2120hrs

That moment I received the news on the passing of someone that I used to work with. A nice human being that took all my orders without much complaint, a responsible one in carrying out her duties. She's one of the janitor that work at one of my site. Something happened to her a month before, (which I couldn't elaborate more) She was hospitalised, in & out of ICU, but I was so convinced that she will stay strong. For her 4 young kids that just lost their father 2 years ago.

But who am I to defy Allah? Death will take place no matter you are young or old. No matter if you feel it's the right time or not. She was hospitalised a month before her passing and I managed to visit her once when she was hospitalised in JB and I can't enter too often due to work exigencies. So most of the time, I will exchange news with her mother.

That night, when I received the call from her mother at about 2050hrs, you know the moment your heart thumps and there's just a voice in you that told you to pick the call up. But, I was so heavy hearted to answer the call and kept convincing myself that she's doing fine.

We were actually on a staycay as Ahfat just got his PSLE results and his results was unexpectedly amazing. Alhamdullilah! So, it was more to celebrate his success. Back to the story. So, I received a second call and still, I was so hesitant to answer. I decided missed the call again.

When we were in the car, I told Mummy that I received 2 missed calls from her mother. Both Mummy & Daddy kept asking me to call her back. But, I knew somewhere back in my head was snapping for me to return the call. And something in me was telling me that she's no longer with us.

So, I tawakkal and returned her mother's call. And that was when I felt everything around me shattered. Nothing mattered. I managed to stay composed when I was on the phone with her mother. But the moment I ended the call, I was crying uncontrollably. Thinking of how young she were, her 4 young kids, her good nature self, the short period I get to know her and now she's gone!

I was sobbing non-stop whilst making several phone calls to inform those people that knew her. I was shaking, my mind went blank and partly I was questioning Allah of everything. Astaghfirullahalazim!

She was one of the nicest person I ever knew. Previously when I was working in SIA, there's a musollah available and at times since I'm always alone in the office, I don't have to worry where I wanted to pray. But, when I'm on site, it's different. You have to find a way or qada' your solat when you get back home. And, on site you don't have your own office or space.

She will always asked me to perform my prayers in her storeroom, look for some cardboard to place my prayer mat, mop the area for me before I do my prayers and she will always say this, "Tak apa, jangan kisah apa orang kata. Wani solat jer kat sini. Jangan pasal kerja, tinggal solat." As I'm typing this, my heart just sank with a huge lump in my throat.

Alhamdullilah, maaged to attend he funeral etc. Then, when I got back on site, my mind went blank. Flashback started appearing. Suddenly, I saw her pushing the trolley around the area. Allahu. It was nerve wrecking for me. I cried for a good half an hour in the toilet. Thinking of her. Deep inside, I was hoping to have done more for her.

I'm still in the midst of recovering from the shock. It was traumatic to face a lost like this. But, I know, this is part and parcel of life. It was her time to go and I'm sure she's in a better place now. As of now, I'm in the midst of requesting to be transferred out from the site. I know it's been months and after trying so much all this time, I know where my breaking point is.

Semoga Kak Yan tenang disana & ditempatkan bersama mereka yang beriman. Semoga Allah swt terima segala amal ibadah Kak Yan & ampunkan segala dosa Kak Yan. Tenanglah Kak Yan disana. Semoga kita bertemu kembali di sana nanti.

Harap sudilah sedekahkan Al-fatihah buat Almarhumah Fachdiana Binte Iyen.

Wednesday, 22 November 2017

Finally...Random Update!


It felt soooo good to be back here. That's definitely one long hiatus there. As usual, been busy with work, then work, and of course work again! Like can you believe, still working on a Sunday even though my off days falls on those day. Nothing fancy to be updated here. Just random updates. As always! *rolls eyes*

I felt that these past weeks/months was one of the breaking point in my career ever since I started my journey in maintenance for almost 8 months now. If you asked if I've ever felt this crappy when doing projects? Yes! I'll be lying to state the opposite, but this time round it's different.

Made me rethink of all the decisions I made in life to be in this position. To those not in my shoes, they would always say, "Oh, you're so lucky to be in this position, at this age, with a salary that not even a degree graduate earned when they start working." Alhamdullilah, truly Alhamdullilah, for all the blessings that Allah swt has bestowed upon me. I hope there are things I have done right in HIS EYES to be given all these.

One thing people are not aware of, there's a catch to everything. Responsibilities! That can never even out with the lucrative pay or position. No! The sleepless night when you receive feedback in the middle of the night while battling with a flu, the head cracking moment searching for solutions, getting term contractors to co-operate with you, being seen as not doing work when you have been chasing for something that is not even part of your work and in the end be the bad one when you have no other choice but to issue warning letter or even LD.

When I was studying, I remember a lecturer telling the class that this job is not for the faint hearted. Then, when I started doing projects I met with a consultant that told me, to be in this job, you can never please everybody. To succeed in this job, you will have people hating you for your straightforwardness or the right work ethics and it's ok. Now, after almost 3 years in it, whatever they told me started to make sense.

You know how people always say about karma? As a Muslim, I never believed in karma. Only kifarah, Also, we have people saying, sometimes because of orang sumpah sana sikit, sini sikit. Then everything go to the pothole. Kata-kata kan satu doa. I know everything will only happen with Allah's will. But you know that daunting and paranoid feeling that one day, if roles are reversed, what would I feel?

That is why I tried to be on a good rapport with the people I have to work with. No matter what their position is. Janitor, technicians, general workers, engineers, I try my best to treat all of them fairly. Because, to quote a saying by someone, 'bila kita toreh tangan kita, tetap mengalir darah no matter who you are in life.' And I hold those words in me to remind me to always be humble, to not feel that I'm better off than others and to always remember that there's a greater force, Allah swt.

I prayed hard for Allah to always guide me in my steps. To always protect me from anyone with bad intentions. Because at the end of the day, rambut sama hitam, hati lain-lain. And if HE still decides to test me with human factors, then I believe HE knows best of what I'm capable to face.

Seeing the views even with me being MIA all this while, thank you lovelies. May all of you be in the blessings of Allah swt. Till the next entry. Take care lovelies!

Monday, 11 September 2017

On Hiatus


Life has been a lil hectic. Kinda made me ponder over certain decisions I made along the way that brought me to where I am today. I ain't complaining though and have ever been so grateful with every single blessings that Allah s.w.t. has bestowed upon me.

I know I have been neglecting this blog for quite some time now. There were so much on my plate that I had to handle till at times, I forgot if I had gone to the toilet or even had a sip of water. Thankful that I have people reminding me to do my prayers. It's one thing to another, every day, all day. Looking back at my last post, it has been more than 3 months since I went on hiatus. Lots of things happened during those period and I gotta say it was one of my toughest moments.

As much as I was anticipating the arrival of Ramadhan, little did I know the plans of Allah s.w.t. during the period. I would not want to portray it in a negative way, but on the bright side, I get to understand the Deen better, I get to pull away from the worldly distractions, which served as a good reminder to me. Maybe Allah wants me back on track from all the obstacles HE sent.

Things was tough from then onwards and it is not easy for me to just share it publicly as it not only affects me. There are things to be taken into consideration, there are issues to be given serious thoughts on and most importantly, some things are never meant to be shared.

I am so thankful for solid family support that I had throughout the whole ordeal. Let me just be honest here, my Imaan was on its ups and downs. Some days I am a little more accepting of the fate and other days questioning, why do I have to face all these? But, I knew, at the end of it, it's getting me closer to Allah and how I learnt to depend more on HIM than others. Like how crying during the sujood, lifts the burden off your shoulders as you tell everything to HIM, even when HE knew what you are going to tell HIM. MasyaAllah!

I believe there are reasons for every single things that happened and the blessings of each happenings. Though I may not see it now, only Allah knows what the future holds. I am still facing it, putting on the fa├žade daily, not being a hypocrite, but there are some things that you never want to show the world, especially the things that will break you.

Nevertheless, do keep me in you duas as much as I have kept every single one that still visits this blog. Tough times don't last, things will eventually get better. We just need to have faith, carry on and let nature take its course.

Till then! Take care lovelies!