Been sometime since I updated huh? As usual, the same old reason; B.U.S.Y! Been a lil over the top with work for the past months, moreover I have been managing this site alone since Beignet was pulled out for another project and my manager has to attend to another new site that the company recently attained. So, basically here at this current site I'm putting on different hats at the same time. From chairing meetings, to on-site inspection, making decisions, and etc. Well, that aside, after some time I decided to write up on this topic.
I'm not someone that interacts well with human. No judgements, but I find it hard to keep up with people. Most people I know tend to choose friends with someone who share the same common interest or because they can clique. Nothing wrong with it, but I believe that is your way. Tried it a couple of times and sadly I failed. I tend to look at people differently and by differently I didn't meant it in the wrong way. When I say differently, I am someone who analyse. I don't only look at you as an individual, but everything, like a package. I analyse behaviours, body language, facial expression and a whole lot of other things. It took me sometime to finally understand why I am so different from others, but, boy, was I so glad to finally found an answer for it.
I grew up with few friends. And, when I say few, I totally mean it! You can use just one hand to count the 'real friends' I ever had. I am so glad & thankful that my Girls Talk team are pretty much intact. We may not meet often, neither are we able to plan an outing due to our tight schedule, but we do remain real with each other.
Flashback to a few years time, during my tertiary education. I was fresh out of high school and was amongst the youngest in the Diploma course that I took. I met a whole lot of people during that time. Everyone in that course were like real adults. And by that, they are like in their 20's while I was only 17 at that point of time when I started my Diploma. The age gap was some what humongous! (to me!) During the whole 3 years study, gotta admit, I found some and lose some. That is part and parcel of life I believe. People come and go! And, throughout that journey, I believe I was pretty much upset by only one person that decided to leave. To give up on the camaraderie that we had. It was pretty heart breaking for me, because that person, (we shall name that person X from here) was the one that I have spent almost 2 and half years and the friendship was put to a stop.
X was someone whom I worked with throughout the most of my study period. We were on the same project team, late nights video conferencing for projects, almost 48 hours of not sleeping just to complete our assignments on time. X was like an answered prayer for me. X was matured (age gap, remember?), as real as a person could be, like X would tell me off straight in the face when I'm doing something wrong, and from there I learnt to accept criticism! Goodness, I am a Virgo, so, technically I'm a perfectionist. No hard thoughts on the horoscope part, because as much as I want to deny the facts written out, sometimes, it just matches the personality. Back to X! Basically, X was someone who keeps me in check. Yeah, you get the gist. We got so close, that when either one of us was absent, everybody start asking about it. Imagine how tight we were? (sounds so wrong there!)
This went on for about 4 semester or so, before something happens to the team (would be best not to reveal anything) Honestly, I was devastated! Who wouldn't? The Alpha team that we build was destroyed in the blink of an eye. I was so disappointed, frustrated, you name it! X and I maintained a good relation with each other despite the whole team breaking up. I started forming my own team and like wise for X. I got busy with my own team and trying my hardest to make them the best just like what I had previously. (Competitive liddat!) And, I believe that was the start of me losing X. (In my opinion. Never knew about X though!) I first noticed when we were no longer friends on FB (I was blocked!) and I decided to ignore it, until I started my internship. X has already started working at that point of time. So, I was asking myself, what the heck went wrong?! The one who was backing out was X and the one that decided to just leave and go was also X! How devastating is that? I was left hanging. No explanation, no proper farewell. C'mon! We've been friends for some time. At least give me an answer. Right?
Nevertheless, I did my internship and was then offered a position in the company. Alhamdullilah! My career kick start even before I graduated. It has been a long time since I last communicated with X and suddenly after a few days of receiving news that I have passed and had to register for the graduation ceremony, I received a call from X! *Surprise, surprise!* Yes, X called, not on my mobile though since I changed my number and decided not to give to anyone at all (school-related) after I started work. Cruel much huh? Well, after the failed friendship with X, I decided to be more careful, I decided to protect myself and not get too attached to anyone after that! Okay, again got side tracked! So, X called my residential number, which might be in the phone memory since I did called X a few times from home. (Gotta save on my prepaid! Haha!) The conversation was awkward much and the reason X gave during the conversation was pretty much hilarious, that I still remembered up to date despite it being almost 2 years ago. (Don't wanna reveal much though!) I decided to prolonged the convo a lil bit and asked on the well being and on the upcoming graduation ceremony which X will be attending. (I'm good in getting info!) And, it was nothing till graduation.
Graduation ceremony was a lil tad emotional for me. I finally graduated and yeah, I was looking forward to clear the air with X and somewhat you know get things back on track the least. So, it was basically a mixed feeling of being nervous going up the stage and meeting X after almost half a year of not seeing each other. But, boy, was I so wrong! On that day, with hopes high up, I was expecting X to come up and clear things up. But, what happened was a total opposite. We were literally staring at each other from one end of the whole hall to the other end, we even cross path with each other and nothing! Zero, zilch! X decided not to utter a single word to me and as for me, the egoistical one, I didn't want to make the first move. Which I regretted now, reflecting back. Coz, I might have cleared the situation and not be puzzled up till today. Pfft!
I remember clearly that night when I got back from the surprise dinner that was planned by my family. I cried myself to sleep, regretting my actions during the day and I swear that there was like a huge hole in me. If only I could turn back time, I would have spoken to X. I would have cleared the situation. But, I believe, Allah s.w.t. has better plans then, so, why question. What was the ifs for? Right?
To X, wherever you are, whoever you are with currently, whatever you do. Just know one thing, you have been a special one to me. You taught me a whole lot of things I didn't know and I'm so thankful for that. If given a chance by Allah s.w.t. for us to meet again one day, I'm sure this time to confront the issue, because it will be almost 2 years (at time of writing) that I was left in the dark and I'm so curious to know what went wrong. I truly wish you all the best in your future endeavours and us being in the same industry, I do hope to be able to cross path and work with you again some day. You might no longer recognise me, for I am totally a different person now, but hey, you have always been etched in my mind.
p/s: This post have been sitting in my drafts folder for almost a week. I was really giving it a good thought before I decided to publish it. What are the chances that X might come across this? 1 out of a million probably! I guess it's okay though should X come across this or not, but from the bottom of my heart this was my side of story.