And ALLAH is Sufficient as a Guardian
And ALLAH is Sufficient as a Helper
~ Quran 4:45

Monday, 8 January 2018

The Breaking Point


Happy 2018! Another year went by. Lots must have happened in our lives. I hope that this year would be better than the last for all of us.

Again I went MIA like I did previously. Remember how I was expressing my thoughts on my job and everything and how crappy I felt about it? How I felt that it was my breaking point. But little did I know that Allah swt indeed has HIS plans sorted. When I thought that those things are the major challenges I had to face throughout this job. Boy, was I so wrong!

24/11/17, 2120hrs

That moment I received the news on the passing of someone that I used to work with. A nice human being that took all my orders without much complaint, a responsible one in carrying out her duties. She's one of the janitor that work at one of my site. Something happened to her a month before, (which I couldn't elaborate more) She was hospitalised, in & out of ICU, but I was so convinced that she will stay strong. For her 4 young kids that just lost their father 2 years ago.

But who am I to defy Allah? Death will take place no matter you are young or old. No matter if you feel it's the right time or not. She was hospitalised a month before her passing and I managed to visit her once when she was hospitalised in JB and I can't enter too often due to work exigencies. So most of the time, I will exchange news with her mother.

That night, when I received the call from her mother at about 2050hrs, you know the moment your heart thumps and there's just a voice in you that told you to pick the call up. But, I was so heavy hearted to answer the call and kept convincing myself that she's doing fine.

We were actually on a staycay as Ahfat just got his PSLE results and his results was unexpectedly amazing. Alhamdullilah! So, it was more to celebrate his success. Back to the story. So, I received a second call and still, I was so hesitant to answer. I decided missed the call again.

When we were in the car, I told Mummy that I received 2 missed calls from her mother. Both Mummy & Daddy kept asking me to call her back. But, I knew somewhere back in my head was snapping for me to return the call. And something in me was telling me that she's no longer with us.

So, I tawakkal and returned her mother's call. And that was when I felt everything around me shattered. Nothing mattered. I managed to stay composed when I was on the phone with her mother. But the moment I ended the call, I was crying uncontrollably. Thinking of how young she were, her 4 young kids, her good nature self, the short period I get to know her and now she's gone!

I was sobbing non-stop whilst making several phone calls to inform those people that knew her. I was shaking, my mind went blank and partly I was questioning Allah of everything. Astaghfirullahalazim!

She was one of the nicest person I ever knew. Previously when I was working in SIA, there's a musollah available and at times since I'm always alone in the office, I don't have to worry where I wanted to pray. But, when I'm on site, it's different. You have to find a way or qada' your solat when you get back home. And, on site you don't have your own office or space.

She will always asked me to perform my prayers in her storeroom, look for some cardboard to place my prayer mat, mop the area for me before I do my prayers and she will always say this, "Tak apa, jangan kisah apa orang kata. Wani solat jer kat sini. Jangan pasal kerja, tinggal solat." As I'm typing this, my heart just sank with a huge lump in my throat.

Alhamdullilah, maaged to attend he funeral etc. Then, when I got back on site, my mind went blank. Flashback started appearing. Suddenly, I saw her pushing the trolley around the area. Allahu. It was nerve wrecking for me. I cried for a good half an hour in the toilet. Thinking of her. Deep inside, I was hoping to have done more for her.

I'm still in the midst of recovering from the shock. It was traumatic to face a lost like this. But, I know, this is part and parcel of life. It was her time to go and I'm sure she's in a better place now. As of now, I'm in the midst of requesting to be transferred out from the site. I know it's been months and after trying so much all this time, I know where my breaking point is.

Semoga Kak Yan tenang disana & ditempatkan bersama mereka yang beriman. Semoga Allah swt terima segala amal ibadah Kak Yan & ampunkan segala dosa Kak Yan. Tenanglah Kak Yan disana. Semoga kita bertemu kembali di sana nanti.

Harap sudilah sedekahkan Al-fatihah buat Almarhumah Fachdiana Binte Iyen.

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